For most of my life church is all I did. Sunday morning, Wednesday evening and if there was an event any other days I would go. I was completely sold out to church I would decline good jobs if the hours required working Sunday or Wednesday. I was committed to showing up no matter how I felt, or what was going on. After a while, I played the church game. You know the game where you go looking your best but deep down your feel horrible but you have to just keep going! Keep showing up! Keep praising your way through it! I felt unworthy because I messed up and broke the “rules” and how dare I step foot on holy ground to lift my dirty hands and praise God knowing what I've said and done that week! How dare I sing and praise when I haven't addressed the real issue which was my broken identity and lack of relationship with God! Yet I “look the part”
Church girl. Yup, that was me. (Beyonce told no lies)
I still played the church game. I went to church. My life was church. I was holy and hellish at the same time. Struggling to be right. Weekly at the alter like God what’s wrong with me? Trying to be better at growing but still struggling. Dealing with heavy condemnation like Lord I will never get this right. There was so much pressure to perform in ministry. The thought of being in ministry but still struggling never sat right with my spirit but I became okay with it after a while. It wasn't until my eyes saw things I wish I never did and my ears heard things I wish they never did. I was exhausted playing the game of church. I was exhausted pretending to be so strong when I felt like the world was closing in on me. I was exhausted with the hypocrisy of others and within me.
Then I became a super saint. A deeper than the ocean saint. In other words, a hot mess thinking I was better because the church teaches that you are better than the world, not realizing that we're all one bad decision away from being what we despise! Not realizing that it has nothing to do with going to church but being the church! Not realizing that your performance means nothing to God when your heart is corrupt and your ways are wicked like the world. Not realizing that being nasty, mean, and gossiping about how folks sin differently than you is not Christ-like at all!
Life happened, depression happened, and anxiety almost took me out of here! I tried to seek help within the church and what did I do that for? Just to be told I was weak and stronger than where I was at which was not encouraging at all. It was more like a slap in the face. As painful as that was it was something that needed to happen. That's when I realized all this time I was “going to church” with others who were doing the same, not everyone but the majority. It took a while but it awakened me. I realized I had to repent for going to church and not allowing my heart to be a sanctuary for God. I had to unlearn that “going to church” was keeping me saved and my performance was what kept me. I had to let go of “going to church” to learn how to become the church. So when I say I no longer want to “go to church” I don't.
I'm far from perfect with many flaws but I know that God is within me so I cannot fail. I know that God is a healer I see a miracle every day when I tell my mom Good morning. I know he's a provider because I've had more increases in this pandemic than my entire life. Going to church doesn't make you more holy, more anointed, or put you on any type of “level” it should be to fellowship with other believers and get confirmation on the word God spoke to you during your private time with him. So many go to “get a word” when the word has been waiting on you to open it up all week. You might wonder why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing because I know am not alone and many of us are broken pretending not to be. You have to be honest with God so he can speak the truth that will set you free.
It will always be relationship over religion for me. I will not be a part of a system that claims to praise God but hate people. A system that lacks integrity, character, and morals. A system that's fueled with hate, gossip, and slander. A system that is not Christ-like. So no I don’t want to go to church because I am focused on becoming the church. I want my life to impact others so they will want to build a relationship with God for themselves. I believe that’s the influence that God put us on earth to have. It’s not about the platform, the stage, or the performance but it’s all about our hearts. I've been on a journey of opening up my heart, forgiving those who aren't sorry and, learning how to trust God's voice because he has never failed me even when I'm disobedient he still looks out for me. That's a love that I don't ever want to take for granted or lose. I almost gave up on God because I felt like he didn't like me because of my sins but I had to unlearn that being flawed does not make me unworthy of the love of Christ. Every day I am striving to become better, to unlearn toxic things, to be the light because we never know what people are going through. When you come out of the storm you'll learn to have compassion for others who are still in it. Releasing the queen in you is about becoming who God created you to be. Other people may not understand your path but it's your path so it's not meant for them to understand. Keep going, keep growing and allow God to continue to polish your crown.
Love Natalie.
