Sometimes you don’t realize what you need until you need it. All my life I’ve been the ”strong friend” up until recently, I thought that was a good thing. I thought being the rock for everyone was a good thing. I was dependable, encouraging, and strong for everyone except for some reason I struggled being all of that for myself. Over the last year and a half, I’ve endured so much hurt that it left me numb. I was operating as if I was okay but slowly on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t know if I mastered how to cover it up but I felt hardly anyone noticed. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I had that moment. That moment where I could not continue to carry on as if I was okay. I had a breakdown. The tears would not stop I cried for a whole day. I mean that ugly, snot running down your face cry. At that moment I realized that I never had a moment to process all of the different transitions I’ve been through. I had gone through a lot. I was so focused on making sure everyone was okay I neglected to check in with myself.
I know it was nobody but God that at that moment. It was like all the tears I couldn’t cry before just came out that day. I didn’t even have the words to pray. On that day my tears and me saying God help me was all I had left. I wasn’t myself. In the midst of me becoming my mother’s full-time caregiver, I had to sacrifice a lot to be there for her. I had to cancel business plans and speaking engagements. I tried to continue building my business but it became extremely hard to push through so I made the choice to press pause. My main focus became my mom and my son who’s father upped and moved out of the City with no warning. No more mom breaks because he wasn’t here to get him every other weekend. On top of that, I was dragged to family court and that was exhausting. I battled ending a relationship that wasn’t for me out of fear of being alone. I held on to people, places, and things that weren’t serving me because I was scared to let it all go. I was scared that my choice to do what’s best for me was going to create drama and cause people to dislike me. I realized that even during my trauma I still was trying to please people. I had anxiety about it for weeks. I felt like a ton of bricks was on top of me. Yet I smiled, I encouraged others, I prayed and praised but I still wasn’t okay.
Being the “strong friend” makes people assume that you always got it. It may be a very hard situation but they know you can handle it but what happens when you can’t? We all have had to endure some very challenging things and though we shouldn’t allow what we go through to defeat us we should not ignore how we feel either. We must learn how to properly process those emotions. Emotions buried don’t die they will eventually eat you alive. If you don’t process your emotions you will eventually breakdown. I learned that the hard way. I was so busy being strong I stopped being aware of myself. I gained over 50 pounds, I lost interest in things I once loved to do and I wasn’t feeling myself. My confidence was shattered and what used to work for me just wasn’t working. Yet I smiled, I encouraged others, I prayed and praised but I wasn’t okay.
I’ve been through hell and back and I know that all things are working for my good even the things I can not see. I’ve overcome a lot over these 34 years of living and one thing I know for sure is God got me! He always has and he always will! I felt lost and somehow I lost myself trying to be there for everyone else. I overlooked things, kept silent on other things, and ignored doing what was best for me just to please others. That left me on -E. I had nothing else left to give. I was all encouraged out, all churched out, emptied, and extremely burned out. I was too afraid to seem weak so I didn’t bother trying to get help. I foolishly assumed people would care. I assumed people would notice. It wasn’t until I felt completely disconnected that I realized I was dealing with anxiety mixed with some other things. I couldn’t continue to expect people to help me when some of those people couldn’t help themselves. I was putting praise on it but the praise didn’t stop the pain. It didn’t stop the internal battle that was going on with me. You can praise your way through but you can talk to a therapist too!
Sometimes we lie to ourselves thinking we’re protecting ourselves from what other people would say if they knew we weren’t okay. We think we are protecting ourselves from being hurt when we are hurting ourselves the most. I don’t know what you’re going through but I want you to remove the mask and pick up your crown. It’s not okay to live life this way. You need support, you need guidance and you need to be able to admit when you’re struggling without the fear of judgment from people who are in denial about something their struggling with too. You need an environment where you can admit your faults without being made to feel like you’re a failure. You need people who genuinely care about you and not just what you can do for them. You need a space where you don’t have to be strong. It’s okay not to be okay but it’s not okay to stay that way. Queen, you can’t continue to pour from an empty cup. You’re doing yourself and others a huge disservice when you’re operating on E.
I’ve been feeling better because I made the changes I needed to make without caring about what anyone would think. I learned how to be still, be present, and aware of myself. I made the choice to admit I wasn’t okay. Some people seemed disappointed that I felt that way and others didn’t care. I’m thankful for those who continue to love me through it and helped me adjust my crown. Sometimes you just need to take a step back so you can see clearly how to move forward. I took a step back and now I’m ready to continue to move forward!
Below are some resources for you to look into if you find yourself dealing with anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts. Whatever you’re going through I’m a witness that when you seek help God will send help so you can make it through whatever challenge that you’re up against. I want you to know that it’s okay. Don’t allow anyone to shame you into feeling like your wrong for how you feel. Especially someone who hasn’t walked a mile in your shoes but want to tell you how to process all the challenges you face. I used to always say what I would never do until I was in those positions. I’ve learned that you can be up today and down tomorrow. I’ve learned to give myself and others grace because life can get hard and instead of pretending it’s not I had to learn how to be honest with myself and that’s how you grow through what you’re going through.
I wasn’t okay but I am now. I removed myself from people, places, and things that no longer served me. I decluttered my space and made it beautiful again. I’m learning how to accept the things I cannot change and I’m changing what I can. I’m doing more of what makes my soul happy and less of what doesn’t. This peace is priceless! I’ve invested in therapy and sought out a mentor to help me on this journey of becoming the Queen God called me to be. Things are changing and I will never go back to that mindset that I had to be everything to everyone. Being strong almost killed me but I’m thankful that I serve a God who allows me to empty myself and be filled by him daily. Trust and know that this too shall pass and you will be okay!
Resources
Find a therapist https://therapyforblackgirls.com/
Talk to someone now https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Help with anxiety https://adaa.org/tips
Scriptures I meditate on.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Isaiah 26:3
So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
James 1:4
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28
Love,
Natalie