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I Don't Want To Go To Church.

For most of my life church is all I did. Sunday morning, Wednesday evening and if there was an event any other days I would go. I was completely sold out to church I would decline good jobs if the hours required working Sunday or Wednesday. I was committed to showing up no matter how I felt, or what was going on. After a while, I played the church game. You know the game where you go looking your best but deep down your feel horrible but you have to just keep going! Keep showing up! Keep praising your way through it! I felt unworthy because I messed up and broke the “rules” and how dare I step foot on holy ground to lift my dirty hands and praise God knowing what I've said and done that week! How dare I sing and praise when I haven't addressed the real issue which was my broken identity and lack of relationship with God! Yet I “look the part”

Church girl. Yup, that was me. (Beyonce told no lies)

I still played the church game. I went to church. My life was church. I was holy and hellish at the same time. Struggling to be right. Weekly at the alter like God what’s wrong with me? Trying to be better at growing but still struggling. Dealing with heavy condemnation like Lord I will never get this right. There was so much pressure to perform in ministry. The thought of being in ministry but still struggling never sat right with my spirit but I became okay with it after a while. It wasn't until my eyes saw things I wish I never did and my ears heard things I wish they never did. I was exhausted playing the game of church. I was exhausted pretending to be so strong when I felt like the world was closing in on me. I was exhausted with the hypocrisy of others and within me.

Then I became a super saint. A deeper than the ocean saint. In other words, a hot mess thinking I was better because the church teaches that you are better than the world, not realizing that we're all one bad decision away from being what we despise! Not realizing that it has nothing to do with going to church but being the church! Not realizing that your performance means nothing to God when your heart is corrupt and your ways are wicked like the world. Not realizing that being nasty, mean, and gossiping about how folks sin differently than you is not Christ-like at all!

Life happened, depression happened, and anxiety almost took me out of here! I tried to seek help within the church and what did I do that for? Just to be told I was weak and stronger than where I was at which was not encouraging at all. It was more like a slap in the face. As painful as that was it was something that needed to happen. That's when I realized all this time I was “going to church” with others who were doing the same, not everyone but the majority. It took a while but it awakened me. I realized I had to repent for going to church and not allowing my heart to be a sanctuary for God. I had to unlearn that “going to church” was keeping me saved and my performance was what kept me. I had to let go of “going to church” to learn how to become the church. So when I say I no longer want to “go to church” I don't.

I'm far from perfect with many flaws but I know that God is within me so I cannot fail. I know that God is a healer I see a miracle every day when I tell my mom Good morning. I know he's a provider because I've had more increases in this pandemic than my entire life. Going to church doesn't make you more holy, more anointed, or put you on any type of “level” it should be to fellowship with other believers and get confirmation on the word God spoke to you during your private time with him. So many go to “get a word” when the word has been waiting on you to open it up all week. You might wonder why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing because I know am not alone and many of us are broken pretending not to be. You have to be honest with God so he can speak the truth that will set you free.

It will always be relationship over religion for me. I will not be a part of a system that claims to praise God but hate people. A system that lacks integrity, character, and morals. A system that's fueled with hate, gossip, and slander. A system that is not Christ-like. So no I don’t want to go to church because I am focused on becoming the church. I want my life to impact others so they will want to build a relationship with God for themselves. I believe that’s the influence that God put us on earth to have. It’s not about the platform, the stage, or the performance but it’s all about our hearts. I've been on a journey of opening up my heart, forgiving those who aren't sorry and, learning how to trust God's voice because he has never failed me even when I'm disobedient he still looks out for me. That's a love that I don't ever want to take for granted or lose. I almost gave up on God because I felt like he didn't like me because of my sins but I had to unlearn that being flawed does not make me unworthy of the love of Christ. Every day I am striving to become better, to unlearn toxic things, to be the light because we never know what people are going through. When you come out of the storm you'll learn to have compassion for others who are still in it. Releasing the queen in you is about becoming who God created you to be. Other people may not understand your path but it's your path so it's not meant for them to understand. Keep going, keep growing and allow God to continue to polish your crown.

Love Natalie.

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Polish Your Crown

One of the most terrifying things I’ve done was, to be honest with God. When I think about that it sounds really stupid because it’s not like God doesn’t know but there’s something about being vulnerable that’s terrifying to me. As I’ve been on my healing journey I realized it’s because in my past it seemed like the moment I let my guards down I was hurt. I’ve had betrayal after betrayal, heartbreak after heartbreak, so I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like my way of being was wrong it had to be because I kept attracting the wrong relationships and being friends with people who didn’t even like me! 

I reached a breaking point! I was done with everyone and everything I was tired of the bull shit those were my exact words. I felt so heavy and gained weight too. I was annoyed, irritated, and angry all the time, going from zero to a thousand and ready to pop off at anyone. That was who I used to be. I wasn’t happy and I was not free. I was bound to my traumas, stuck in my fears while replaying all the lies the enemy filled my head up with. I told God I was done. As I was telling him how I was done, he showed me that he was not finished with me yet. I am so thankful that even in my mess God still protects, provides, and loves me. God’s love is everything I need and more! 

I took some time to allow God to polish my crown! Over the last few years, I’ve been on this beautiful, ugly, painful yet joyful journey of discovering who God created me to be. This journey hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it! The peace I have now is worth everything I’ve lost! I am stepping into one of the best chapters of my life and I am so excited about it! 

Renewing your mind is something you have to do daily! I’ve learned to mute the noise of others and seek to learn how to hear the voice of God! You’ve got to know him for yourself because people will project their fears, limiting mindsets, and unsolicited opinions about what you should do with your life. I am here to encourage you to allow God to polish your crown! Allow God to restore, renew and transform you! At my worst, I was at my best because God showed me the good, bad, and ugly! God corrected my thinking and pulled me away from people who were no good to me. I am forever thankful for that! 

I chose to be still, get quiet, pray more, read more, get into new environments, watch those who inspire me, trust the Holy Spirit within me, and go after everything God placed on my heart. This season of my life isn’t easy and I am sure I’ll be going through more layers as I continue to heal. I want to challenge you to start your journey and do what’s best for you! Take a step back before taking this step forward and let God guide you.  Try again with God and you will not fail! I am rooting for you, Queen! 

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No More Silence.

For the last couple of years of my life, I've been picking up the pieces of a broken heart, a broken dream, and a lot of disappointments. I felt like I was about to lose my mind and thankfully I did not. Before the pandemic, my mom was given 6 months to live. She became very ill she lost her ability to walk and was in and out of the hospital for months. During that time my son's father relocated and told me and my son the weekend he decided to leave. I was already feeling completely overwhelmed with what was going on with my mom. Having my son every day wasn't an issue though but I still felt like that was unfair. I was also going back and forth in a toxic relationship that I later found out was a whole lie because his other woman called me. I was also in a toxic environment that I struggled to leave due to feeling obligated to stay. I found out that I was a friend to many but they weren't real friends to me. There was so much going on at once! I gained weight, I was depressed and frustrated most of the time. I wasn't being the best mom because I wasn't being the best me. I felt horrible most of the time but somehow managed to keep a smile painted on my face like everything was okay. These last couple of years were really hard for me and then a global pandemic came that shut the whole world down.

I lost my spark. I lost my passion to create. I am a creator who couldn't create. I had so many ideas come to me but I was stuck. I couldn't push past the feelings of being defeated anymore. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders but somehow I kept going anyhow. I suppressed so much trama, so much pain and so much hurt pretending I was okay but I wasn't. I learned how to master being "strong" yet being strong almost killed me. I've been on a journey of healing the broken pieces in me. I realized I wasn't free I was still bound to my past, still bound to other people's thoughts and opinions of me, still hurting about having to let go of a man I thought I would be with forever. I felt like I was in a car crash with no seatbelt. I was wearing a counterfeit crown. Pure chaos going on in my mind but somehow I managed to show up daily. I managed to show up for everyone except myself.

I've been silent because I haven't had much to say but I am coming back wiser, stronger, and better! My life's motto is "If I am not living it, I am not giving it" and If you're been a part of my audience for a while you know that I don't write, teach or speak anything that I am not living out in my own life. This healing journey isn't easy at all! You'll have good days and bad days but on both days stay committed to getting better! Society likes to tell us that we have to be perfect in order to make an impact but when I think about all the people God used for his glory none of them were perfect. I am choosing not to be silent anymore. It's time for us to share our stories unapologetically. Your healing happens when you open your mouth. I want to challenge you to begin your real healing journey, not that cute stuff you want to share so your ego will get likes on social media. Be honest and be real don't continue to fool yourself to think that you're healing when you're really hiding.

I want to challenge you to tell the truth, the whole truth. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed. Your healing comes as you share your testimony. You didn't survive all that hell just to be silent. I haven't been passionate about writing for a while if you look at the date of the last blog I wrote it was in October of 2020. I wrote that after I left a place that was not for me and that did not go as I had planned. After leaving I realized just how loyal I was to people who weren't loyal to me. I am an author and writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I even lost that for a while but now I am back! I realize someone needs to hear my story. They need to know that they can overcome the things I have and more! My silence isn't helping them or me! My passions are coming back, my mind is being renewed, my heart has been replaced and I am going to live the life that God placed me here to live! It doesn't matter what you've gone through or what you're currently in know that God is still going to get the glory from your story! Share your true story and all of your truth. Choose not to be silent anymore. My new book Broken No More will be released in just a few months and I am excited about what's to come. Whatever's kept you silent make the choice to speak up and speak out there are people waiting on you!

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